तुम और हम

तुम क्यूँ नहीं समझती की हमारे सपने अलग हैं
तुम क्यूँ नहीं समझती की हमारी पसंद भी एक नहीं
चिडियों की चहचहाह्ट मुझे भाता नहीं हैं
पहाङो की खुशबू भी कभी मैंने समझा नहीं

हम इतने अलग होकर भी क्यूँ चाहते हैं पास आना
क्यूँ लगता हैं की तुम्हारे बीना जी नहीं पाउँगा
जबकि हम दोनों को मालूम हैं यह कड़वी सच्चाई
की हम साथ रहकर भी कभी खुश नहीं रह पाएंगे

शायद ये मान लेना हीं हम दोनों के लिए अच्छा हैं
की हर कोशिश के बाद भी यह सच्चाई बदल नहीं सकती
तुम मेरे कितना कहने पर भी मीठा नहीं खाओगी
और पिंक कलर का शर्ट मुझे कभी पसंद नहीं आएगा

Anger Pays

I do not know why I want to share this experience of my life. One reason could be that maybe I gained and I am interested to share my recipe with the world.

I finished with my school and joined A.N.College, Patna for a bachelor’s degree. This was my first chance to study in a co-ed environment after spending 12 golden years in a boy’s school. In a class of 30 students, there were 22 guys and 8 girls. Not a bad ratio for a place like Patna. With a humble look and good in studies, it was not a problem for me to be in the good books of everyone. In 8 girls, 4 girls were typical ‘Bahenji’ and it was not a surprise when they offered to tie ‘Rakhi’ very next week we started talking. Now, I understood the meaning of prayer I used to recite all 12 years of my school days, “With him as our common Father, we are brothers and sisters to one another”. Even the married women were not ready to take any chance and offered the same.

I was left with 4 options and I zeroed in on one based on certain criteria such as eyes, height, color, etc. Though, later on I realized that she was using a contact lens of power -8, almost next to blind and was 3 years older to me. Somehow, my love story started with exchanging notes and assignments. I started working hard to be among the toppers and kept my jealousy alive for guys, who were potential threat, either with better looks or better brains. Regular chocolates and occasional gifts were also essential to have a lead over others.

After working hard on notes and assignments for an year, I though it was the best time to know if she loves me or not. One beautiful morning, I called her 30 minutes before our first lecture used to start and asked her what she thinks about us. As an obvious answers—though at that time I didn’t realize that it was an obvious answer—she said that we are good friends. And that was end of another love story. I was filled with anger from tip to toes. How can someone do this to me? At least, she could have said that she loves me? The world knows about our love story, my colleagues, juniors, lab assistant, professors, and even the peons. Though everyone made fun and it was more a topic of humor than love and romance.

From next day, I completely stopped talking to her. Not a single word for the next two years. I was adamant. She tried many time using various means but it was me. Two years, same class, but we have not exchanged a single word. It was tough but I made it. I was mad at her, I was upset but more than that I had to show that my love was true and the setback is real. If u cannot be a Devdas then it must be infatuation, not true love. I tried my best to grow my beard, look upset, and be alienated from all groups and social activities. Tryst me, this gives you a lot of satisfaction. You started finding pleasure in pain. And this is because your every action is guided by the failure you came across in life. Your failure becomes a part of your existence. You get addicted to pains and start feeling good that the pain is there with you. All these feelings were going well as planned until I met some of my successful friends who are always close to my heart as well as always touched the sky whenever n wherever they wanted in life. I got inspired and my failure turned into anger and fuelled my inspiration to achieve success in life. Then, my only aim was to have the best career in life, become the most successful person and show my girl–what she lost was worth much more attention and she has regret her whole life. Today, I can only laugh that how silly was I? How silly were my wishes? But I am glad that I did.

There are two ways to react after a break-up in relationship. First, cry, feel low, hurt yourself, and regret as he/she cannot be yours and you are incapable. Last but not the least, you can commit suicide. Now, you are a perfect looser in your eyes. Second, take a reverse gear, he/she does not deserve you, you can have a lot better options, and he/she was just someone trying to use you for own benefit and you are lucky that you are out of it. Now, it is time to show what you are worth. You have to prove this to him/her, to the world. As first option did not work for me, I went for the second one. To a surprise, it worked so well, I started studying for 15-16 hours. For the next one year, I put my all energy to crack entrance examinations for PG courses. The result, I made into several written and finally got selected for BIT, Mesra. To my surprise, I did not even remember her birthday. Today, it is almost 11 years since this incidence and I smile whenever I look back. It was either too childish or foolishness but we all go through the same situation at least once in our life. You feel dejected and the only person who loses in this kind of situation is none other than thyself. I do not know if I was right or wrong but what I gained is worth. I do not have any regret and I achieved whatever I wanted. Never blame yourself for whatever went wrong in your life. There are always a thousand things to cry and a thousand things to smile at any moment of your life. Let’s find the reason to be happy. Let’s make the best of everything we have. If something such as anger can be turned into so much profitable business, there are opportunities everywhere and in everything.

उर्वशी, मेरा पहला प्यार

उर्वशी, मेरा पहला प्यार! माफ़ कीजिये, हमारा पहला प्यार। चौकियेगा नहीं यह मेरा और मेरे परम मित्र का सच्चा combined प्यार है। बात 1995 की है जब मैं 11वी कक्षा में पढ़ रहा था। पढ़ना क्या था बस admission हीं लिया था। मेरा मित्र मुझसे उम्र में बस 1 महिना बड़ा था लेकिन वो बहुत ज्ञानी था। यहां तक की हमारे class के सारे backbenchers भी उसकी ज्ञान का लोहा मानते थे। Teenagers की सारे प्रश्नो और समास्याओं का समाधान था उसके पास। मैं हालाँकि बहुत हीं शरीफ़ लोगों में जाना जाता था लेकिन इस उम्र में किसे प्यार नहीं होता। नहीं हुआ तो आपकी मर्दांगी पर लोग शक करते हैं। चलिये हम अपने परम मित्र की बड़ाई बाद में करेंगे। अभी वापस उर्वशी पर concentrate करते हैं।

हमांरें स्कूल के बिल्कुल सामने एक girls स्कूल था। घर वापस जाने के लिए मैं और मेरा मित्र रोज़ स्कूल के सामने से टेम्पू पकड़ते थे। एक दिन जब हम टेम्पू का wait कर रहे थे तभी एक लड़की हमारी बगल में खड़ी हो गई। उम्र 13-14 साल की रही होगी। वैसे ये हमेशा हमांरें बीच विवाद का विषय बना रहा की उस लड़की को पहले किसने देखा। क्यूंकि by law जिसने लड़की पहली देखी वो उसकी होती है। बाकी सब उसे केवल भाभी की नज़र से देख सकते है। आज मैं झूठ नहीं बोलूँगा की वो लड़की असल में मेरे दोस्त की हीं खोज थी। लेकिन उस समय मैं भी अड़ गया की मैंने भी साथ में हीं देखा। खैर फ़िर हमने decide किया की हम दोनों try करेंगे और बाकी लड़की की पसंद।

उपरवाले का खेल भी बड़ा निराला होता है। मेरी किस्मत ऐसी चमकी की वो लड़की भी टेम्पू से वहीं उतरी जहाँ मुझे उतरना था। मेरी तो चाँदी हो गई। एक पल के लिए लगा की पांचो ऊँगली घी में और सिर कड़ाही में। अब हम दोनों में से उस लड़की का नाम तो किसी को पता नहीं था। और पूछने की हिम्मत तो शायद मुझे इस जनम में कभी नहीं होगी। लड़की से नाम पूछा और उसने अपने बड़े भाई को बोलकर पीटवा दिया फ़िर हमारी इज्ज़त का क्या होगा। या फ़िर पुलिस में complain कर दे फ़िर हमारी तो सारे जग में थू थू हो जायेगी। तो इन सब झमेलों से बचने के लिए हमने उसका नामकरण ख़ुद हीं कर दिया। उन दिनों एक picture आई थी हमसे है मुकाबला। उसका एक गाना हम दोनों को बहुत पसंद था, "Urvashi, Urvashi take it easy Urvashi". उस गाने से inspire होकर हमने उसका नाम उर्वशी रख दिया। फ़िर तो मैं रोज़ अच्छे से नहा धोकर साफ़ सुथरे कपड़े पहन कर जाने लगा। क्या पता किसी दिन किस्मत चमक जाए और टेम्पू में बगल की सीट पर उर्वशी हो। कितने दिन तो मैंने अपने दोस्त को चिढाने के लिए story बना दी की आज मैं उर्वशी के बगल में बैठ कर आया और उससे बहुत सारी बात हुई।

धीरे धीरे हमने पता कर लिया की उर्वशी का घर कौन सा है। उसके घर के सामने हीं एक साइकिल पंक्चर की दुकान थी। फ़िर हर शाम मैं अपनी साइकिल लेकर निकल जाता हवा भरवाने। नज़र साइकिल पर कम और सड़क के उस पार उर्वशी के बरामदे में ज्यादा होता था। माँ दुर्गा से लेकर हनुमान जी को याद करता की एक बार दिख जाए। कभी साइकिल पंक्चर हुई फ़िर तो 1 घंटा दुकान पर बैठ कर उर्वशी का इंतज़ार करता। कभी कभी कोई उसके बरामदे में दिखता तो आँखों की पुतलियाँ बढ़ जाती। यह सिलसिला चलता रहा। मेरी साइकिल का पंक्चर भी बढ़ता रहा। उर्वशी ने शायद 10 वी की परीक्षा पास कर ली और उसका स्कूल जाना बंद हो गया। अगले 6 महीने तक उर्वशी अपने बरामदे में भी नहीं आई। फ़िर अचानक एक दिन बजाज स्कूटर पर पिछली सीट पर उर्वशी नज़र आई। वो साड़ी में थी और थोड़ी सहमी हुई भी थी। थोड़ी नज़दीक आई तो देखा उसके माथे पर सिन्दूर था। स्कूटर चलाने वाला उसका पति होगा। उर्वशी ने एक नज़र मुझे देखा और थोड़ी सी घूँघट निकाल ली। उस घूँघट के साथ मेरी यह प्रेम कहानी भी समाप्त हो गई। मेरे दोस्त को दुःख भी हुआ और खुशी भी। आज भी मुझे अपने सबसे अच्छे दोस्त से धोका देने के लिए गालिया सुनने को मिलती है। ये तो वहीं बात हुई ना माया मिली ना राम।

Yes, I Can be Wrong

It’s 4:21 PM and I am still sleeping. I know it’s a Sunday and I am supposed to relax but the reason is a little different today. Last night, I was reading a book and slept at 05:00 AM today morning. Not a usual thing for me. Neither had I read book in last six months nor did I wake up so late everyday. What was so special then?

One of my close friend suggested me (rather forced me) to read a book ‘A Walk to Remember’. Trust me, until now I have used a book only for the purpose to get a good night sleep. It works for me better than sleeping pills. Three to four pages are enough to leave me snoring. I started reading the book and in five days I completed ten pages. That’s me! Then, I do not what happened last night. Sometimes it is a do or die situation in your life and I believe in doing (only if the second option is dying). I started reading the book around 2:00 AM and finished the books in flat three hours. That’s also me! It’s a record, though personal one. And these three hours included time when I cried several times, felt the emotions, and also remembered someone special in my life. I don’t know why I did it but may be “God had a plan for me”. This was a beautiful love story. Not a very unique in every sense—in a way, a lot of other stories and movies had left me more touched and made me shed bucket of tears—but still I would call this one really beautiful.

Hope you are not wondering, why this topic is named ‘Yes I Can be Wrong’, when till now you haven’t read that I murdered someone by mistake. Seems like a Govinda movie when you can expect an item number just after the mourning. Let’s find a connection. When I woke up in the afternoon—after reading this book—I was thinking how short life could be? How much time we have to say sorry for our mistakes? When is the last time I said sorry to my mom for I shouted at her and the mistake was mine?

I think myself as a perfectionist. I never make mistakes and what I believe is universal truth. I name this as self-respect. Later on, I realized it was only ego. Let me share you an incident, which made me realize a few truths about myself. It was my college days and I went to see my doctor—with my parents—as I was not doing well. While returning back, we dropped in to Chandni Chowk, a marketplace for electrical goods. I asked for some screw needed to fit the tube light holder. The shopkeeper showed some and my mom suggested that we have these at home. I overlooked. She said again that she is sure that we have those and there is absolutely no need to buy more. I felt someone attacking my self-respect. Remember, I am a perfectionist who can never get wrong. In the front of the shop I started shouting at her. She felt insulted and miserable. As if this was not enough, I asked the shopkeeper to give me some of those screws and ignore whatever my mom had to say. What a moron I was. She was almost on the verge of crying. My dad was a silent spectator as he was not sure who is right. We returned home without talking on the way. After ten minutes, my mom came with those screws and I was dead. I was in shock, not on my behavior but because I was proved wrong. How can I be ever wrong? I didn’t have enough guts to say sorry even once for what I had done. Now, I wish I had done it. How relaxed she would have felt. But why would I say that? What will happen to my so called self-respect? Today, I have realized that it was only ego and I was totally wrong in my behavior. I am ready to say sorry and ask for forgiveness a million times for all my mistakes. Still my mistakes will outnumber this figure. I learned I can be wrong, I learned no one is perfect all the time, I learned that to hurt someone close to your heart will be painful for your whole life. Now, I accept my fault and ask for forgiveness.

Sorry mom I have hurt you many times, Sorry to all my friends, colleagues and also sorry to a lot of people I do not know but have hurt them knowing or unknowingly. Who knows, I would not get a second chance to say all this. May be my ego will again overpower me and I feel like deleting this post.